Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Hold On To Your Friends
Well, the year is nearly over. It seems I've been hiding from everyone lately. There came a point where I just couldn't talk anymore, at least not to my friends. The narrative I would like to construct about my life doesn't have room for my recent thoughts and actions. And so, I went silent. I couldn't bear to tell my friends what was happening because it would somehow make real the sense of failure and feelings of anxiety that seem to have overwhelmed me these past two months. If you've known me for a while, you know that I've been thrown a series of curve balls. Not a single one was impossible to catch, but they kept coming one after another...and I reached my breaking point this fall.
I have a tendency to hide when I feel inundated. Also, at major turning points, I have a tendency to shed my old life altogether. Looking back, I would say that I do this out of sense of embarrassment. I don't want to let my friends and loved ones down, so I run away instead.
Someone recently told me in times of crisis, I need to lean on my friends. To try not to worry about being a disappointment. So here I am, standing in the memory of a dazzlingly bright summer day at the tide pools, feeling anxious about the coming months, unaware of just how far I would move away from my life, for better or for worse.